My Angel

She is a year younger to me. We have known each other for over 2 years now, but it seems like we have known each other for centuries. She’s absolutely normal, no complaints at all, like any other girl of her age, extra sensitive towards ideas that have nothing to do with her, mounting tension about studies and placements gripping her every weekend, a feeble smile when she is hurt and two huge tear drops in her eyes when I’m going back to work. With hair that keeps coming across her face whenever I try to stare into her deep black eyes. She pulls them back of course and I swear to God I forget where I am. Life seems complete when she puts her head on to my shoulders and goes to sleep. I feel like living a thousand years, just looking at her talk with constant nods of her head. Feel like pulling her into my arms when she yells that I wasn’t listening to her. Life… Life is dragging me hopelessly… I don’t know where…

I was an evangelist, preaching how dangerous women are until I met her. She is the sweetest thing that has happened to me. We have exchanged promises, promises of staying together for now and forever, promises of laughing, playing, fighting, eating, walking, dancing, cooking and all the other things I once thought stupid. I cry in the night, when I go to sleep all alone 800 kms away from my sweetheart. Memories of the times we have spent together, the way she nods her head even when she hasn’t understood what I was telling her, her scolding when I would forget to take my medicines, the threatening messages when I dont call her back after she keeps the phone, the times spent in arguing over unimportant stuff, the things she said to me, the care that I take while speaking lest I hurt her, the “You eat first and tell me, then I’ll eat” talks, the exam tips that she often took, the “I will love you forever”, the numerous “miss you idiot” and they go on. Memories… Sweet memories are all what I have when I am this far, physically separated but emotionally still single. All our friends who know about us swear by our love, a single soul in two bodies, that’s what they say. It’s difficult to imagine life without her. We can’t live without each other. It’s difficult to even leave hands when we are getting down the bus!! Life is beautiful when we are together but yet I have to work here in desolation and solitude staring at my screen in the nostalgic company of her photographs. I think over what I have lost and what I have gained by coming here. It was a choice I had to take. Had to come here to earn, to have her. I know people say “money isn’t everything”, ask me I say. Was sworn by my family long before I had known her, had promised my folks back home to give them a life that they have always desired and then think about settling down in life. Give them all the luxury that my hardworking father never could provide. And all that within the next 3 years.

But alas, God, I feel, doesn’t wish to see us together, I am a mortal fighting to have my love with me for eternity. I cry every day, I pray for us, I hurt myself to subdue the pain within, yet the pain that increases with every single day I spend away from her, away from my little angel, yes I call her my angel, my sweet little angel, the pain never fades. The pain is horrible, it’s like somebody is holding on to your dreams ready to leave them so that they fall and shatter and it is assumed that you will forget as winds of time sweep off the dust that remains. Forget her? God I could forget I have to breathe, but her? Why are you asking such a heavy price? I cannot fathom what will happen if I am forced to live without her. I have already lost my senses without her next to me here; it won’t be long before I lose myself completely. With parents who come from psychological backgrounds where falling in love is considered to be a violation of the rules of Mother Nature. Where it is thought upholding the honor and dignity of family traditions, rituals and fervor is more important then you being happy with a girl who means the world to you. Where it is thought the so called man made society will talk year after year about the boy who stood against his parents. Where it is thought that choices made by the elders is always right and it is assumed that you will lead a happy life with a complete stranger. Why did God make choices? Why can’t God make our parents understand? Why can’t God just leave us alone?

Eyes reddened with tears, heart heavy and aching with her thoughts, sleepless with feelings that haunt me day and night, I live on. Why did God ever make religions?

4 thoughts on “My Angel”

  1. If there's anyone who knows what you feel like, then you know it's me bro.

    Atleast I'm lucky with the distance so far. but not any more with the situation. It seems so cruel that to make something work you must break something else, especially when both are too close to your heart.

    Sometimes the days go by like the blur of a black n white movie in fast fwd. And sometimes it seems like the screen is stuck on the random hissing static and the world is just a pandemonium of black and white dots.

    Will it ever be possible to accept the dark roads that lie ahead? What untold misery is forthcoming, when one is forced to make a decision he cannot fathom?

    I have not the answer. I only know that I can share in your sorrow whenever u need. Coz to help face most of life's horrors, God also made friends.

    So smile up bro. Fill yourself up with with the belief that if there is a way, you know you will find it.

  2. oh man! heart touching entry…
    well,life is a gamble and it just goes on…what's the big deal about religion?not a difficult thing to handle in today's modern world. but ,yes,it does require to be handled:)

  3. ahhh.. i have been in that situation. it's hard… but when your parents are being emotional, you will have to be logical and cool. it took me 8 years for me to convince my folks… if u have a good relationship with your parents to begin with, then you should be able to achieve your goal. wish u all the best.

    oh, and great blog u have here!!

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